The Effects of Genjutsu
by gwenstacey
Summary: Kotetsu should have been more careful of where he relieved himself. Now he's stuck in the psych ward thinking he's a 12yr old girl. Crack, based on DarkAuroran's Crack Open Another Bottle


AN: This story is inspired by DarkAuroran's Cracked. All of the unfortunate effects Kotetsu suffers herein are her idea's, I just played with them. If you haven't read it yet you really should, not only because it will greatly help you understand what's going on here, but also because it's absolutely brilliant.

Also: "Talking", 'Field signs'

~*~

The halls of the hospital were quiet, as usual, even if they were bustling with activity. Iruka side stepped a nurse as she came out of a patients room and continued on his way to Kotetsu.

Iruka had been on his way to school when he had last seen his friend, who was being dragged away by a squad of Anbu at the time, another Anbu being dragged along beside him. The sight, and smell, was less than pretty in the predawn light. Iruka had stopped long enough to enquire if his friend would be okay and, after having received abundant assurance that he would be, had continued to school. Now, having finished both the school day and a shift at the missions desk, he was somewhat disconcerted to find that Kotetsu was being held in the hospital's psych ward.

Coming around the corner Iruka could see Ibiki standing outside of one of the patient rooms. He looked frazzled and a little green. As if seeing the man like this wasn't enough to make Iruka nervous in and of itself, he then realized that the room Ibiki was plastered outside of was supposed to be Kotetsu's. Iruka took a deep breath and silently prayed that there had been some kind of mix up.

"Good afternoon Ib-mmph!" Iruka was cut off as the large mans hand landed over his mouth. He contemplated trying to nip at the man's palm but decided against it and simply raised an eyebrow. Ibiki sighed silently and, dropping his hand from Iruka's mouth, started communicating in field signs.

'I don't want him to know I'm here.' he signed. This only confused Iruka further.

'Okay, and why would that be?' Iruka signed back.

'Kotetsu was hit with a genjutsu that' Ibiki paused for a moment as if searching for the right words, 'altered his perceptions somewhat.'

'Will he be okay?' Iruka replied hastily, barely managing to remember to sign instead of talk. Ibiki sighed again and nodded.

'In a few days. The rest of us just have to put up with it until then.'

'What happened?'

'Not sure,' Ibiki paused again, this time to run a hand over his face, 'but a team of Anbu found him just after he had been genjutsued by another Anbu, one who was just coming off of a rather long mission. The only information I have on why the Anbu operative would have done that is the fact that he smelled of urine and claims 'The little shit deserved it.''

Iruka stared incredulously at Ibiki for a moment before swallowing and signing his reply.

'You think Ko peed on an Anbu?'

'It looks that way, yes.' Ibiki nodded, 'but we have to wait a week for the genjutsu to wear off before we can get his side of the story. Go see him now, I'm getting some coffee.' And with that Ibiki walked off, leaving a rather stricken looking Iruka in the hallway.

After a moment to compose himself, Iruka pushed open the door to Kotetsu's room and walked in. At first glance his friend looked almost normal. Because of this, Iruka was taken completely off guard when the man opened his mouth.

"Ru-chan!" Kotetsu cried happily, in a voice that Iruka was quite sure was higher pitched that what the other normally used, "how are you! I heard you say hello to someone in the hall, who was it?" Kotetsu turned large expectant eyes on his friend at this, and Iruka got the distinct impression that if it weren't for Ko's restraints he would be sitting on the edge of the bed and swinging his feet.

"Uh, it was just a friend of mine that works on the hospital staff." Iruka replied, still not quite sure what to make of the situation.

"Oh," Kotetsu said, visibly disappointed, "I thought that maybe it was Ibiki."

"Ibiki?" Iruka pried, still trying to understand exactly what was going on.

"Mm-hm," Kotetsu replied dreamily, "He's just sooo hot!"

Iruka was quite sure that the bottom portion of his jaw had detached itself from the rest of his head at that. Though it did explain Ibiki's coloring when he had walked up. Just about the time Iruka had managed to process this information and get his jaw back in place, Kotetsu's gaze turned angry, and he rounded on Iruka.

"You'd tell me if he talked to you right!? I mean, you wouldn't keep that from me, would you? I totally saw him first Ruka! He's mine!" Kotetsu had gotten increasingly hysterical as his rant had gone on, and now he looked close to tears.

Iruka was strongly reminded of two of the girls in his newest class and had to shake his head to get his bearings. Remembering that Kotetsu was under a genjutsu, he thought it would be best to play along.

"Of course I would tell you Ko," he said, trying not to sound as girly as that phrase made him feel, "I wouldn't keep something like that from you, we're friends."

Kotetsu was all smiles now and, before Iruka new what was happening, Kotetsu pulled him down into a sitting position on the bed and had his hair tie out.

"Let me braid your hair!" Ko chirped, happily running his fingers though Iruka's locks, "It's just so pretty! Your hair makes me so jealous. Mine just sticks up all over the place, I can't do anything with it!"

Iruka was shaken out of his shock by the sound of someone snickering by the door. Izumo made his way over to the party on the bed when he realized that he had given himself away.

'Thinks he's a 12yr old girl,' he signed discreetly to Iruka when Kotetsu wasn't looking, 'with a crush on Ibiki.'

Iruka snorted on a laugh making Kotetsu look up.

"You okay Ru?" he asked, placing a concerned hand on his friends should. Iruka smiled.

"Yeah, just choked, sorry." he replied. Kotetsu nodded and resumed his work. Once he was again thoroughly distracted by Iruka's hair the other two resumed their signed conversation.

'Any other symptoms?' Iruka asked. Izumo shook his head.

'None that we've noticed so far, but you should have seen him with Ibiki earlier.' It became clear to Iruka at this point that Izumo was trying very hard not to laugh, 'Clung to the man's arm and made doe eyes at him, batting his eyelashes and everything. Called him Biki-kun and insisted that they go out for dinner to show the world their undying love!' Izumo paused to wipe a tear from his eye, 'I had to go after that, but I think Ibiki just got away.' Iruka was relying on his ninja training at this point to keep from laughing as he nodded.

'I saw him in the hall when I came in, looked like he had just gotten out.'

'Can you imagine what he's going to do to the Anbu that's behind this.' Both men had to repress a shudder at the thought.

Kotetsu, still oblivious to the other conversation going on, chose this moment to push Iruka off the bed with the declaration of, "All done!" and grabbed Izumo to haul him into the spot Iruka had just vacated.

As Kotetsu began sorting through the tangles in Izumo's hair Iruka took the opportunity to examine his own freshly styled and flawless french-braid in the rooms unbreakable mirror.

"Say Ko," Iruka began, "where did you learn to do hair like this?"

"My sister taught me." Kotetsu replied, never taking his eyes off of the complicated twist that he had started working into Izumo's hair. "Could you find me some hair pins to hold this up?"

Iruka and Izumo exchanged looks, both thinking of Kotetsu's burley older sister with highly amused expressions. They could both picture the woman forcing Kotetsu into a chair when younger and going over the finer points of follicle care until he had it memorized perfectly.

Iruka made his way to the door while signing to Izumo, 'Oh the blackmail opportunities this is opening up.'

In the hall, Iruka passed by a nurse pushing a cart full of dinner trays and made it to the main nurses station on the floor. Iruka had some difficulty talking the nurse on duty into giving him bobby-pins for a psych patient, but once she realized who exactly the patient in question was (Iruka noticed that her hairstyle looked suspiciously similar to the one he was currently sporting) she happily handed a pack over.

Iruka was about to head back down the hall when a girly shriek erupted from Kotetsu's room, followed by a good deal of confused shouting, and a few crashes. Both Iruka and the nurse bolted down the hallway.

By the time they reached to room everything was in disarray. Izumo was on the floor, on his back, with his legs propped against the bed and sticking straight up. The flustered dinner-nurse was in the corner, a shocked expression on her face and a bowl of upturned salad slowly starting to slide off her head. Kotetsu was wildly fighting the restraints that kept his feet tethered to the bed and was kicking himself as close to the head board as possible.

"Run Ruka!" Kotetsu shouted when he caught sight of his flabbergasted friend standing in the doorway. "It's the pudding! It's trying to eat me! It's already gotten Izumo!" he wailed.

"I'm down here you flailing idiot." Izumo muttered from the floor. Kotetsu sobbed.

The nurse who had run to the scene with Iruka pushed past him and into the room. She calmly picked up the cup of pudding and carried it out of the room to Kotetsu's cries of, "My hero!" and "Isn't she so brave!"

The other nurse hastily fled the room and Kotetsu promptly took hold of the newly righted Izumo to continue doing his hair as if nothing had happened. Izumo and Iruka exchanged an incredulous look.

'Just one week of this' Iruka signed to Izumo, 'and then we get to have the moron's funeral'

'I'm going to bury the bastard in so much mud he's going to be finding it for a month!' Izumo signed back.

Iruka chuckled and Kotetsu kept working on Izumo's hair, humming happily to himself, and completely oblivious to his friends plotting.

~The End~


End file.
